When people ask me how I'm doing lately, I respond that I'm working, trying to get back into working out regularly (never take a break from that, y'all, because it's hard to get back into it), and planning to move to L.A. by the new year. If they ask why, I launch into my dream (ever since I was 11) to be a working actor. There's a lot of reasons why I never pursued it, but the most important one being a sucky reason; not trusting God enough to make it happen.
It's interesting. I'm pursuing acting opportunities in the area now through my church. I've been invited to audition for upcoming ongoing productions. I think there's a Christmas play too. Yes, audition. They're serious. They audition for the choirs, praise teams, and the orchestras too. If you can't make it, then maybe you can serve in another ministry. See, I thought that I had to get refresher experience, then audition. I was holding myself back because I was scared. Yes, I'm scared. There, I said it. However, not having a spirit of fear, but of power and a sound mind, I move forward. Like Georgia O'Keefe said, "I've been absolutely terrified every single moment of my life, but that has never stopped me from doing anything I've ever wanted to do." It's not that bad, but you get the point.
I've even asked others for advice in this area. I asked an actress on a television show for her opinion and she gave it, but also told me that if my heart is set on moving to L.A., then do it. I asked another friend and I'm awaiting his response, but for all the "asking" I'm doing, is it worth asking? I keep hearing and seeing God saying, "But what did I tell you to do?" Sometimes the people you love the most will subconsciously try to hold you back. For instance, my dad asked me if I had three years of savings saved up before I moved out there. Um, okay. Not six months. Not a year. THREE years. I know he loves me, but that was blatantly trying to hold me back through fear. It made me laugh.
It's like this (this thought came to me last week), if God places a dream in your heart, and you can see through the dream to see how you can be a blessing to Him and others because of it, it's not up to us to decide how it will be accomplished. He'll work that out. It's just up for us to be in the place where He can bless us. So, if He's standing to the right of where you're standing, guess who has to move to the right?
I'll try to make this the last time I "talk" about this. When I'm "doing it," it'll be a much more exciting blog. So, I continue to work, work out, look for apartments in L.A. and jobs in L.A.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
California Love (and Dreamin', and Plannin')
Well, my third trip to California was as eventful and fun as normal. This was my second time in Southern California. Every time I'm out there, I say, "I could really live here. I don't want to get back on the plane. I should stay out here. I should LIVE here!"
Well, I thought about it. I thought I had wanted to move to L.A. since 2001, but my cousin Angie reminded me that it's been since 1996 or 1997 when I was looking at colleges (Hello, La Mirada, CA) that I wanted to move out there. I didn't apply there because my parents said no. Virginia Union worked out well in the end anyway. But still, what's the deal with not moving out there?
Fear. Laziness. Whatever you want to call it. Well, after this trip (now that the excitement is dying down and I can think clearly), I've come to realize that if I want it, I need to go for it. I need to get a job and have savings and just go. If God wills with life, health, and strength, just do it, right?
In my small group/Bible study/social guys group, we're studying Esther. One thing that keeps popping up in my mind from her story is "Just Do It!" She was facing possible death, but went to the king to risk her life for the lives of her people. She broke tradition and just did it, even though her voice shook (I'm sure) and she might have been quaking. Just do it.
I've discovered in my late twenties that I'm finally feeling like I'm coming into my own. I'm doing, saying, and experiencing things that I'm grateful to experience. I'm growing up, so to speak. Who I was last year is not who I am this year. I pray that it continues to improve.
So, thanks to everyone (including everyone I met) who made the trip a wonderful event, successful, fun, and exciting. Most thanks to Kareem and Ben for showing me L.A. in "style." :-)
Well, nothing left to do but do it to it, right?
So, like Esther, I have to try it. If I perish, I perish. (I pray that I won't though.) Hey, God places dreams in our hearts for a reason. It's not to just sit there and wonder "what if...?", either.
I'm taking the first step...
Well, I thought about it. I thought I had wanted to move to L.A. since 2001, but my cousin Angie reminded me that it's been since 1996 or 1997 when I was looking at colleges (Hello, La Mirada, CA) that I wanted to move out there. I didn't apply there because my parents said no. Virginia Union worked out well in the end anyway. But still, what's the deal with not moving out there?
Fear. Laziness. Whatever you want to call it. Well, after this trip (now that the excitement is dying down and I can think clearly), I've come to realize that if I want it, I need to go for it. I need to get a job and have savings and just go. If God wills with life, health, and strength, just do it, right?
In my small group/Bible study/social guys group, we're studying Esther. One thing that keeps popping up in my mind from her story is "Just Do It!" She was facing possible death, but went to the king to risk her life for the lives of her people. She broke tradition and just did it, even though her voice shook (I'm sure) and she might have been quaking. Just do it.
I've discovered in my late twenties that I'm finally feeling like I'm coming into my own. I'm doing, saying, and experiencing things that I'm grateful to experience. I'm growing up, so to speak. Who I was last year is not who I am this year. I pray that it continues to improve.
So, thanks to everyone (including everyone I met) who made the trip a wonderful event, successful, fun, and exciting. Most thanks to Kareem and Ben for showing me L.A. in "style." :-)
Well, nothing left to do but do it to it, right?
So, like Esther, I have to try it. If I perish, I perish. (I pray that I won't though.) Hey, God places dreams in our hearts for a reason. It's not to just sit there and wonder "what if...?", either.
I'm taking the first step...
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The nerve!
While riding Metro today I saw a new ad from them. The ad read, "PlanBdextrious: The ability of having an alternative route home planned in the event of an unforeseen circumstance on the Metrorail system."
The audacity of their arrogance! Plan B? Yes, everyone should know an alternative route home; however, when the route home is nothing but the Metrorail and possibly a car to get to the station, what the heck do you need a Plan B for?
How about not having a grossly inefficient and ineffective public subway train system? How about THAT, WMATA?! How about the Orange and Red lines not breaking down in some fashion every day? How about more than 4 cars on the Blue line? Jerks!
The audacity of their arrogance! Plan B? Yes, everyone should know an alternative route home; however, when the route home is nothing but the Metrorail and possibly a car to get to the station, what the heck do you need a Plan B for?
How about not having a grossly inefficient and ineffective public subway train system? How about THAT, WMATA?! How about the Orange and Red lines not breaking down in some fashion every day? How about more than 4 cars on the Blue line? Jerks!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I Don't Want To Cheat Myself
I've heard the advice all these years. I shouldn't settle. I shouldn't cheat myself by giving myself an experience that seems to match what I want, but doesn't work in the end.
Well, last night I settled, vocally, and realized something. I don't want a temporary experience. I want that experience, sure. Don't get me wrong. It's fun and it's hot, but I want it to be shared with someone who has meaning for me. And I have meaning for them. Love. Purpose. Caring.
See, here's what I think happens, and I've seen it with quite a few of my friends. They want the full relationship with complications, ups, downs, love, respect, care, tenderness, etc., but they keep settling for the temporary experience. They think it settles an urge. It does settle one urge, but not the primary driving force behind the search; a relationship. Once they keep giving themselves away to various people, those little pieces start to break open holes in the person. They notice their life seeping out through the holes and want to do something to stop it, so they erect barriers around their hearts, blocking out others when the holes would heal if they would stop allowing others to take the pieces out of them.
They start to close off that emotional part of themselves. They start to distrust anyone who might show genuine interest in them. They start to question why someone who's into them would be willing to wait it out until they get to know each other better. They start to do things in the relationship to "test" the other person to see if they're really as good of a person as they appear to be. This is done consciously or subconsciously. They don't even realize a good or great person in front of them because they've given themselves away so much by users and abusers that they've become accustomed to this type of treatment and don't know how to treat someone who is treating them well. They need to be used to feel wanted and desired. They start to solely chase those who fit that mold and claim it's their "type." Why is a user and abuser your "type?"
I don't want to do that.
I want to relate to someone. I want to get to know someone. I want that connection. I want that commitment. I want love. I'll go further with other things if those things balance out. Heck, I deserve it! :-)
I've had two experiences recently that further cemented this in my mind. Sure, hot bodies and charm are great, but I need to just look at them. I don't need to touch or talk or continue talking when the conversation turns to a topic I don't want to discuss when we've just met.
Don't worry, I'm still "intact." ;-)
So, this is what I've realized and now I pray that I stick to it. I don't want to cheat myself out of what I really want. It's best to go for and get what I want and not settle. Maybe there's a reason God wants this to be saved for marriage? LOL
Why am I 28 and just realizing this? Well, not so much realizing as experiencing it. I've heard it all before, but now it's in my life and real.
Well, last night I settled, vocally, and realized something. I don't want a temporary experience. I want that experience, sure. Don't get me wrong. It's fun and it's hot, but I want it to be shared with someone who has meaning for me. And I have meaning for them. Love. Purpose. Caring.
See, here's what I think happens, and I've seen it with quite a few of my friends. They want the full relationship with complications, ups, downs, love, respect, care, tenderness, etc., but they keep settling for the temporary experience. They think it settles an urge. It does settle one urge, but not the primary driving force behind the search; a relationship. Once they keep giving themselves away to various people, those little pieces start to break open holes in the person. They notice their life seeping out through the holes and want to do something to stop it, so they erect barriers around their hearts, blocking out others when the holes would heal if they would stop allowing others to take the pieces out of them.
They start to close off that emotional part of themselves. They start to distrust anyone who might show genuine interest in them. They start to question why someone who's into them would be willing to wait it out until they get to know each other better. They start to do things in the relationship to "test" the other person to see if they're really as good of a person as they appear to be. This is done consciously or subconsciously. They don't even realize a good or great person in front of them because they've given themselves away so much by users and abusers that they've become accustomed to this type of treatment and don't know how to treat someone who is treating them well. They need to be used to feel wanted and desired. They start to solely chase those who fit that mold and claim it's their "type." Why is a user and abuser your "type?"
I don't want to do that.
I want to relate to someone. I want to get to know someone. I want that connection. I want that commitment. I want love. I'll go further with other things if those things balance out. Heck, I deserve it! :-)
I've had two experiences recently that further cemented this in my mind. Sure, hot bodies and charm are great, but I need to just look at them. I don't need to touch or talk or continue talking when the conversation turns to a topic I don't want to discuss when we've just met.
Don't worry, I'm still "intact." ;-)
So, this is what I've realized and now I pray that I stick to it. I don't want to cheat myself out of what I really want. It's best to go for and get what I want and not settle. Maybe there's a reason God wants this to be saved for marriage? LOL
Why am I 28 and just realizing this? Well, not so much realizing as experiencing it. I've heard it all before, but now it's in my life and real.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
A Meme
- What’s your name spelled backwards? NIMAJ
- What did you do last night? Ate dinner with some friends. It was pretty nice.
- The last thing you downloaded onto your computer? A picture of myself from Europe.
- Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery? Yes. And then I did it again because I thought I imagined the shock.
- Last time you swam in a pool? It's been a long time.
- What are you wearing? T-shirt and pajama shorts
- How many cars have you owned? One, officially, but I've had 3
- Type of music you dislike most? I actually don't dislike any music, but if I had to choose, I'd say acid metal grates the most.
- Are you registered to vote? Yes
- Do you have cable? Yes
- What kind of computer do you use? Mac, bitches!
- Ever made a prank phone call? I think so once
- You like anyone right now? Yes I do.
- Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Both, but probably skydiving first.
- Furthest place you ever traveled? Dubai, United Arab Emirates.
- What’s your favorite comic strip? Dilbert and Far Side.
- Do u know all the words to the national anthem? Yep.
- Shower, morning or night? Morning.
- Best movie you’ve seen in the past month? (tie) Notes on a Scandal and The Last King of Scotland.
- Favorite pizza toppings? Pepperoni, Extra Cheese, Black Olives.
- Chips or popcorn? Chips.
- What cell phone provider do you have? Verizon
- Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Um, no
- Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Again, um, no
- Orange Juice or apple? Orange.
- Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? Me, myself and I
- Favorite chocolate bar? 3 Musketeers
- Who is your longest friend and how long? Longest as in known the longest? Well, Floyd and I have known each other over 20 years, but been friends about 11. Same for Genene. Cleon and I have known each other 15 years, but been friends for 11.
- Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Long time ago.
- Have you ever won a trophy? Yes.
- Favorite arcade game? That six player X-Men one.
- Ever ordered from an infomercial? No.
- Sprite or 7-UP? 7-Up, but I don't do sodas anymore.
- Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work? School, yes.
- Last thing you bought at Walgreens? A wedding card.
- Ever thrown up in public? As a kid.
- Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? Why not both?
- Do you believe in love at first sight? Lust at first sight, yes. Love? No. You can't properly love someone you don't know.
- Spongebob or Jimmy Neutron? Jimmy Neutron
- Did you have long hair as a young kid? No.
- What message is on your voicemail machine? A rather excited and semi-lengthy one.
- Where would you like to go right now? Get showered and go to work (I missed the gym today - I'm upset about that!)
- Whats the name of your pet? Dudley (he'll be real one day, but right now he's a ceramic pug)
- What kind of back pack do you have, and what’s in it? I have two backpacks and nothing is in them right now.
- What do you think about most? Right now? How I must have lost my mind in Athens and how I had to refocus on Sunday.
Friday, May 25, 2007
It's About Time
The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced. Television was meant to be ON, not just watched. The same goes for the Silver Screen and the stage. Every time I watch a show (a good one) or a good movie (even the silly fun ones like EuroTrip), I keep saying two things to myself - 1) I could do that, and 2) Yeah, why AREN’T you doing that?
I’m sitting in Athens, Greece, now watching coverage of high fashion shows (DSquared2) has some great ideas for themed shows and the Cannes Film Festival. I’m missing ME in all of it. I feel somewhere in me that I should BE there. Yes, I want to attend the high fashion shows. Yes, I want to go to Cannes to help promote either my latest movie or a movie that I’m in. They look like they’re having fun, and from what I hear, Cannes is quite nice. So is San Tropez. I digress.
Well, what’s left then? I guess there’s nothing left but to act out on the acting dream. Just do it. Go for it. I’m scared, though. I don’t know why. I keep wondering what will happen if I try? It’s not so much that I won’t make it, but what happens after I succeed (on any level of accomplishing the dream)? What happens to my privacy? Who will be my real friends and not just the hangers-on? How hard will it be to get rejected more times than I can keep count? What about all who I have to temporarily leave behind to pursue my dream (meaning that I can’t be with family and friends as much as I’d like to be...at least in the beginning, I guess). It’s harder for black actors in Hollywood, so what chance do I have to be noticed above the rest?
What if I’m not “pretty” enough? What if I don’t give good face?
Yes, all of these are trivial things and experienced actors will tell you to just do it and don’t worry about it. However, I tend to overanalyze.
So, I want it all, but it all has to start somewhere. Might as well be now. And besides, I believe that God is with me, so really, why am I worried? It’s the unknown, I guess.
Oh well. Gotta make moves and make things happen.
I’m sitting in Athens, Greece, now watching coverage of high fashion shows (DSquared2) has some great ideas for themed shows and the Cannes Film Festival. I’m missing ME in all of it. I feel somewhere in me that I should BE there. Yes, I want to attend the high fashion shows. Yes, I want to go to Cannes to help promote either my latest movie or a movie that I’m in. They look like they’re having fun, and from what I hear, Cannes is quite nice. So is San Tropez. I digress.
Well, what’s left then? I guess there’s nothing left but to act out on the acting dream. Just do it. Go for it. I’m scared, though. I don’t know why. I keep wondering what will happen if I try? It’s not so much that I won’t make it, but what happens after I succeed (on any level of accomplishing the dream)? What happens to my privacy? Who will be my real friends and not just the hangers-on? How hard will it be to get rejected more times than I can keep count? What about all who I have to temporarily leave behind to pursue my dream (meaning that I can’t be with family and friends as much as I’d like to be...at least in the beginning, I guess). It’s harder for black actors in Hollywood, so what chance do I have to be noticed above the rest?
What if I’m not “pretty” enough? What if I don’t give good face?
Yes, all of these are trivial things and experienced actors will tell you to just do it and don’t worry about it. However, I tend to overanalyze.
So, I want it all, but it all has to start somewhere. Might as well be now. And besides, I believe that God is with me, so really, why am I worried? It’s the unknown, I guess.
Oh well. Gotta make moves and make things happen.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Like a Big Kid
I get like a kid when it comes to new things. It's sad, I guess. On the other hand, I guess it can be good.
I ordered a new computer (I've converted to a Mac - gasp! - after having to load Windows 3 times in the past 2 years on my Dell) and am SO EXCITED! I keep tracking it. It's en route to VA now from across the country. They say it'll be in late this week. I am really excited.
I visit the Apple Store site daily to view the computer. I look at all the gallery pictures and the specs. I got my new printer and .mac signup pack today and am installing the printer now (my old one wouldn't work with a Mac) and am excited about the .mac service. I can now publish my own website and blog (and even keep the blog on my computer but publish what I want to).
The Mac has a lot of stuff I can actually use easily for graphics creation and stuff. I'm so excited that I wish I could take off work when it gets delivered. I can't wait!
I ordered a new computer (I've converted to a Mac - gasp! - after having to load Windows 3 times in the past 2 years on my Dell) and am SO EXCITED! I keep tracking it. It's en route to VA now from across the country. They say it'll be in late this week. I am really excited.
I visit the Apple Store site daily to view the computer. I look at all the gallery pictures and the specs. I got my new printer and .mac signup pack today and am installing the printer now (my old one wouldn't work with a Mac) and am excited about the .mac service. I can now publish my own website and blog (and even keep the blog on my computer but publish what I want to).
The Mac has a lot of stuff I can actually use easily for graphics creation and stuff. I'm so excited that I wish I could take off work when it gets delivered. I can't wait!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Keeping it Real
I've been doing some thinking about how we communicate electronically these days. There's e-mail. There's texting. Gone are the days of a handwritten letter unless it comes from a mother who writes to let me know how she feels about me these days, and chooses to fire off four pages to do so. I'm sorry. That was personal. Moving on.
Gone are the days of a phone call, too, it seems. It's sad. We used to be a talking people. Now we're a texting and e-mailing people. The thrill of conversation is gone. People feel that e-mails and texts serve as valid methods of meaningful communication these days. That's pathetic. I can't get with that. I want to hear you. I want to see you. I want to be seen and heard. I want interpersonal communciation.
I want relationship the way it was intended to be. Two people RELATING to each other. You can't establish trust through text or e-mail. You can't establish anything real online. You have to be real with real people, not their artificial proxies, whether it's a phone (landline or cell), cell phone (for texting) or computer. Get some face time, people.
Be real.
Gone are the days of a phone call, too, it seems. It's sad. We used to be a talking people. Now we're a texting and e-mailing people. The thrill of conversation is gone. People feel that e-mails and texts serve as valid methods of meaningful communication these days. That's pathetic. I can't get with that. I want to hear you. I want to see you. I want to be seen and heard. I want interpersonal communciation.
I want relationship the way it was intended to be. Two people RELATING to each other. You can't establish trust through text or e-mail. You can't establish anything real online. You have to be real with real people, not their artificial proxies, whether it's a phone (landline or cell), cell phone (for texting) or computer. Get some face time, people.
Be real.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Dating...
is hard. That should be all I have to say about it, but here's some more:
1. Long-distance may not be for me (especially in this instance)
2. Why is it so hard to find "normal" people? I realize that everyone is normal until you get to know them, so to speak, but ultimately, how do some people function? I don't want to know, but I believe they do. I believe it's true.
3. I keep having dreams. I've had three about someone so far. The first one left me asking how it would happen. The second one was nice. The third one I thought was real and got sad when I woke up because it wasn't real. None have been sexual. They've all been nice, though. And they come when I'm not thinking about anything to do with the person.
4. Where are you my friend?
1. Long-distance may not be for me (especially in this instance)
2. Why is it so hard to find "normal" people? I realize that everyone is normal until you get to know them, so to speak, but ultimately, how do some people function? I don't want to know, but I believe they do. I believe it's true.
3. I keep having dreams. I've had three about someone so far. The first one left me asking how it would happen. The second one was nice. The third one I thought was real and got sad when I woke up because it wasn't real. None have been sexual. They've all been nice, though. And they come when I'm not thinking about anything to do with the person.
4. Where are you my friend?
Thursday, April 12, 2007
First Blogger Post
Well, this is my first post here. For my first post I'll post lyrics from an album I'm currently enjoying the heck out of, I'm Not Dead by P!nk. It's "Who Knew," which I think is her current single. I didn't know this until the other day. All I know is that I replayed the heck out of this album on the road during my 4 hour plus some change drive to and from NC this past Easter weekend.
Who Knew
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
Who Knew
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
