I Don't Want To Cheat Myself

I've heard the advice all these years. I shouldn't settle. I shouldn't cheat myself by giving myself an experience that seems to match what I want, but doesn't work in the end.

Well, last night I settled, vocally, and realized something. I don't want a temporary experience. I want that experience, sure. Don't get me wrong. It's fun and it's hot, but I want it to be shared with someone who has meaning for me. And I have meaning for them. Love. Purpose. Caring.

See, here's what I think happens, and I've seen it with quite a few of my friends. They want the full relationship with complications, ups, downs, love, respect, care, tenderness, etc., but they keep settling for the temporary experience. They think it settles an urge. It does settle one urge, but not the primary driving force behind the search; a relationship. Once they keep giving themselves away to various people, those little pieces start to break open holes in the person. They notice their life seeping out through the holes and want to do something to stop it, so they erect barriers around their hearts, blocking out others when the holes would heal if they would stop allowing others to take the pieces out of them.

They start to close off that emotional part of themselves. They start to distrust anyone who might show genuine interest in them. They start to question why someone who's into them would be willing to wait it out until they get to know each other better. They start to do things in the relationship to "test" the other person to see if they're really as good of a person as they appear to be. This is done consciously or subconsciously. They don't even realize a good or great person in front of them because they've given themselves away so much by users and abusers that they've become accustomed to this type of treatment and don't know how to treat someone who is treating them well. They need to be used to feel wanted and desired. They start to solely chase those who fit that mold and claim it's their "type." Why is a user and abuser your "type?"

I don't want to do that.

I want to relate to someone. I want to get to know someone. I want that connection. I want that commitment. I want love. I'll go further with other things if those things balance out. Heck, I deserve it! :-)

I've had two experiences recently that further cemented this in my mind. Sure, hot bodies and charm are great, but I need to just look at them. I don't need to touch or talk or continue talking when the conversation turns to a topic I don't want to discuss when we've just met.

Don't worry, I'm still "intact." ;-)

So, this is what I've realized and now I pray that I stick to it. I don't want to cheat myself out of what I really want. It's best to go for and get what I want and not settle. Maybe there's a reason God wants this to be saved for marriage? LOL

Why am I 28 and just realizing this? Well, not so much realizing as experiencing it. I've heard it all before, but now it's in my life and real.