Still Haven't Nailed This Down at 29

I can't believe
It's so hard to find someone
To give affection to
And from whom you can receive
I guess it's just the draw of the cards
In matters of the heart - Tracy Chapman "Matters of the Heart"

It's one of the topics most sung about. Most talked about. Most dreaded yet most desired. It's love.

I don't understand human romantic love in many ways. It gets messy. It gets complicated. It's often full of games. It's often overloaded with others' opinions about what should and shouldn't be. I'm often told I'm smart and have good insight, but I must admit that while I thank God that that may be true (sometimes my common sense meter runs low), I am still naive when it comes to romantic relationships in a lot of ways. I idealize it often and think it should run a certain way.

I don't like the games some people play. If we like each other, why do we have to wait 3 days after the first date to call again? Why exactly can't we just hang out socially without calling it a date? Or should we call it a date to say there's mutual interest? How much communication is too much? How little is too little? Will you run off because sex isn't in the picture for me? Would you run off it it were and we did it (you got what you were after)?

And what about someone you like telling you that they can only be your friend and nothing more. They would like to be in a relationship with you but feel that you're "too good" for them/they're not relationship material...only to have them turn around with a new lover 3 weeks later. If this happens once you may blow it off. But when it happens 3 or more times, you start to wonder what's wrong with you personally that someone hasn't told you about when all they keep saying is how great you are and anyone who can't see that is immature/dumb/not worth your time.

And yet alone I still sit. They go off and have their relationship. They have their ups and downs. They have their fun. I still edge closer to adopting 10 cats.

I guess I feel that there shouldn't be any guesswork involved in this. I understand courting and dating. I know about wooing. Is it better to do some nice gestures while still making it flat-out clear that you're interested, though? What's with the playing hard-to-get? Maybe a little chase, but...doesn't that lead to disillusion once the relationship starts and those sweet things fade away? Granted, there can (and should be) new sweet things, but...I don't know. All I know is that I feel if you like someone, just ask them out. Get to know him/her. Or get to know him/her and then ask them out.

I guess I keep putting up human interactions against how Jesus loves me. I always come up short that way. It's not hard with Him. There was/is never any guesswork involved. I know that it's because that's the best love I'll ever know and it's perfect, but this should still be a little easier on this side of eternity.

I've been around the world and known many people. I've had successes, failures, and blessings. But I still ask this same question: Why does it seem so hard? Do I still have to be matured? Is something really wrong with me that I'm missing? Am I that bad of a person? I mean I see people who are jerks 24/7 who are in relationships, but that's neither here nor there.

So, I'll continue to wait. I've nothing else left to do but that.

This is sprung from someone I liked who told me that they weren't looking for anything serious at the time we were talking. Three weeks later somehow a committed "so in love" relationship happened and now they're moving far away. We're talking from late July 'til now. And no, I'm not the one in the relationship.